I AM.

less than a hundred days of uncertainty.

Wed, 06 Jan 2010 12:34:43 GMT

what do i want?

what will i do next?

I AM SO NOT LIKING WHAT I AM FEELING NOW.

it's been such a pain in th head, this thinking-of-the-future thing. i am not sure anymore on what i want. i feel like crying, only i don't have any more tears to cry.

i nees to have a peace of mind.

an assurance.

certainty.

i want this confusion to end.

because it's making my life suck big time.

Fri, 01 Jan 2010 05:50:11 GMT

it's officially the first day of a new year.

looking back of the year that was, i can't help but feel so blessed. while i was praying, i can't stop thanking the Lord for all that he has bestowd upon me and my family. it was such an awesome year indeed. i wasn't even looking at the disaster that ondoy has given me and my family. i feel so blessed, and it just came to me that even that part of our lives, we were so much lucky that nobody got hurt.

i promised myself that i would finish reading "Dear John" as the year ends, and so i did! it was such a good book, that it held me, wanting for more. Nicholas Sparks is such a great writer, that his novels are put into movies. i mean, imagine, two of his books will be a motion picture out next year. i can't wait to watch them both!

anyway, i don't have any new year's resolutions so, i just have to live my life to the fullest! like there's no other day but today!

i hope everyone does that. life is such a wonderful gift that it's such a waste if it wouldn't be loved, or even liked.

btw, i'll be 18 this year, an i am not quite sure if i'll have a celebration. i mean, i just want to have a small party with just a small number of guests. just really close friends.

anyway, i hope everyone will have a good year! :) Godbless us all!

CHEERS 2010!:)

gotta be brave!

Wed, 30 Dec 2009 14:53:06 GMT

i want to overcome my fear.

my fear of criticism. i love to write. it's just that, i ALWAYS think of what others would say. i am conscious of my spelling, my grammar, and of my choice of words. i am afraid that people might think i am stupid. i mean, i am not perfect. I JUST WANT TO BE FREE. i want to write my heart out. i want to be able to tell the world what's on my mind. i want them to know what my heart is telling me.

yet, everytime i try to, i get intimidated by others who are so good. i envy them, for they are great writers. i want to be a great one too, yet i just can't seem to find any way to overcome this fear of mine. i want to be someone who wouldn't care of what other people might say. i am sick of being a coward. i just want to write and reach my dream. i just want to fulfill my dream.

GRRR.

i hope in the next year, i'll be able to do this. i have to fix my life, myself, everything.

i just want to do this for crying out loud.

OH PLEASE.

and, i tried to come back doing what i love doing the most, but i missed my chance.

everlasting peace!

Sun, 27 Dec 2009 17:51:16 GMT

come on 2010!

i am ready for you. and you better be ready for me.:)

I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED!

DIGNIFIED.

Sat, 26 Dec 2009 02:36:16 GMT

not my day huh?

something is pulling me back.

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 04:00:48 GMT

i want to go back to the chorale.

everytime i see pictures of them, i can't help but envy them. probably, leaving what i love doing the most was the hardest thing i ever did. the most regretful thing ever. i want to return, but i am afraid people might not have me once again. and besides, the submission for those who would join the competition was over. i didn't make it. :(

i want to sing again. i want to sing with the people who made me feel that i can be the best i can be. who made me feel like i am a star, especially whenever i am on stage with them. i want to sing once again.

I WANT TO BE ME AGAIN.

when i left the chorale, yes, i met new people. i was able to get to know others more. yet, i lost a part of me. i stopped singing with people who taught me how to be happy.:) i am seriously at my happiest when i am with them.

and...

i am having a hard time deciding, if i should transfer or not. i am starting to get really burned out from my course. i hate my professor so badly that i just don't want to go on anymore. i don't know what to do.

i know, i shouldn't be thinking of these things right now because it's christmas and i should be happy. but i can't help it. RAWR

HELP ME PRAY PLEASE! thank you.:)

excited much?

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 08:00:21 GMT

i am so damn excited for christmas!

i love it when i open my presents. i love it when people open their presents from me.:) i love it when people wear brand new clothes during christmas eve mass. I JUST LOVE CHRISTMAS. I LOVE THE HOLIDAYS! it makes my heart melt.:)

i was thinking of a new year's resolution, but i think it's useless. oftentimes, people aren't doing their promises. oh promises are for losers. :)) haha bitchy.

BASTA. i can't think of anything to write anymore. i just want for christmas to come. oh YOU BETTER WATCH OUT!:)

JESUS CHRIST IS IN OUR HEARTS.:) weeeee

♥

THIS CHRISTMAS.

Sun, 20 Dec 2009 08:17:44 GMT

i'll be happy. i am happy. really very happy.:)

i was crying all my heart out last year. i wouldn't want that to happen all over again. i am now a better person, wiser and more mature. yet i am thankful. i am thankful that i was able to experience sadness and bitterness. if i haven't, i wouldn't be as strong as i am now. i am ever more grateful of all the pain i've felt.

sa paglipas ng mga taon, nakaranas ako ng matinding sakit. marahil, ito'y dahil sa aking katangahan. napatunayan ko lang talaga, na ang kaligayahan ay hawak ng tao. maaring maapektuhan ng ibang mga tao, ng ibang mga bagay, ngunit sa huli, siya parin ang maaring makapag paligaya at makapagpalungkot sa kanyang sarili.

hindi na ako makakapayag, na hahayaan ko ang sarili ko na umiyak muli dahil sa pagpapakasakit ko sa aking sarili. hindi na.

i am an emo no more.

matagal nang hindi.

:)

it's yesterday once more...

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 03:55:44 GMT

LET GOD, AND LET GO.

yesterday, i went to Tanglaw to have a little chat with Miss Jing. she invited me to go for confession, and so i did. i also had spiritual formation, and i cried.

i cried because the priest was right.
i cried because i know i was selfish.
i cried because i was so stupid to not know what was happening.
i cried because i know i shouldn't have done that in the first place.

i cried.
i cried terribly.

especially when i heard him say,

"your love for God is GREATER. and His love for you is greater."

i cried because it's true.

i always tell God that i love "him" so much, that it hurts me for us to be this way. it hurts me that he will leave me. it hurts me that he is bound to fulfill his promise. it hurts me.

but those very words,

"YOUR LOVE FOR GOD IS GREATER. AND HIS LOVE FOR YOU, IS GREATER."

i began to realize, that i was wrong. that i should be sorry. because it isn't right. and i was sorry, because i know i shouldn't have let myself fell. because it wasn't right.:(

now, i just have to tell him this. that i just want the best for him. i started to refuse him. it's not easy though, it's very painful, and it's hurting me more. because it's not letting myself show him my affection. but that doesn't mean i cannot love him right? sometimes i wish i knew him earlier, so we could have spent more time knowing each other. but this is where i am meant to be. he is also where he is meant to be.

yes, this is probably the hardest challenge God has given me so far. it's not easy. but i'll try...:(

I SURRENDER TO YOU LORD. LET YOUR WILL BE DONE.:(

sinong tanga?

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 10:32:35 GMT

MAGPAPASKO NA.

last christmas, i was sad, because of stupidity. and i don't want this to happen all over again.:(

i saw pictures of him with another girl. and they're sweet. and fuck it, i felt so bad. my heart beat was fast, and i was catching my breath. FUCK.
yes, yes. I KNOW. i don't have the right to feel and act this way. but i was so fucking hurt. and i mean, i am, upto now, STILL FUCKING HURT (if i am not, i wouldn't say FUCK more than once). i know. I KNOW OKAY?

and they say THEY are not the ordinary guy type. they say kapampangans are loyal, and they never two-time someone. FUCK THAT. he agreed with that, and he's sweet with this girl?

FUCK. I HATE THIS.

this "issue" is eating me up. just fuck it.

SORRY LORD FOR SAYING A BAD WORD MORE THAN ONCE AND FEELING REALLY ANGRY AND JEALOUS.

SORRRY!

:(

SOMEBODY, KILL ME. PLEASE? (BUT PLEASE, NOT LITERALLY.)

better.better.

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 14:29:12 GMT

it's really tiring sometimes. like now, i feel really tired, i can't seem to understand why people feel this way, why i feel this way. is it not right to just love and not ask for anything in return? yes, i do that. but sometimes i just can't help but expect. i want to feel what i want to feel. i want to have what i want to have. i feel so broken at times, so empty and so chaotic. my heart is like a big box, empty and useless.

look, I KNOW WHAT I FEEL.

but i can't help but ask for more at times. i mean, i am not satisfied with what i am receiving. IT'S NOT ENOUGH. sorry, but SOMETIMES, i really feel that love is not enough.

but i KNOW that it is enough, infact, it's more than enough. yet i FEEL that it's not enough, especially when i don't get what i want. okay, selfish i may seem, but I JUST CAN'T HELP BUT ASK FOR MORE. because i know, i deserve to have more. yet, it's impossible.

SIGH.

when God says NO to something, He says YES to something BETTER.

yeah yeah, i get it.

it's been a long time.

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 17:03:17 GMT

hi lj. i missed you. it's been a long time since i last wrote to you.:)

anyway, i've been "busy" with a lot of things lately. though the 2nd semester just started, i feel like a bomb exploding. not because of anger, but because of frustration and anxiety.

so what can i tell you? hmm.

okay, so, i had a part time job during the semester break. i was a tutor for a week. they paid me a hundred per hour. not bad for my first ever job ei? ha! they even invited me to still go to work every saturday. now, that's a good thing. i can help my parents by not asking for money to buy school stuff and other "wants."

the reason for me doing that job is because my blockmates, well, some of my blockmates and i had an outing. i was really broke after the last day of last sem, so i really looked for something to earn money from. luckily, i got the chance to talk to one of my highschool friends, and invited me. her mom is the owner of the tutorial center, and she also will be working for a week. she asked me if i wanted to, ofcourse, who am i to say i don't?

i almost lost my patience, because the "kids" i taught were not really "kids," they are adolescents, highschool students, BOYS. yet, i told myself, i should not give up. because i believe that i can be a good teacher, since i know i have a very long patience. but i almost lost it. thank God it's over. well, for now, atleast.

oh well. it's been a long day. i went back to that place, and met new students. i wouldn't want to say anything, but i must admit the new ones are pissing me off already. GRR.

and after a long day of work, i still have to do my obligations in our philosophy council. sucks right? i had to give up chorale for my class-because i am the president, and for the council- because i am an officer. it's not that i don't like to sing anymore, it's just that my parents wanted me to focus more on the "academics."

'til next time. i still have a lot to say but i am sleepy,:|

pwedeng paki ulit?

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 13:44:52 GMT

do you have to let it linger?

you have magic in your fingertips, they fit perfectly into mine. everytime you hold my hand, i feel like flying up to the heavens. it seems like a dream, you see, this feeling, it's just perfect. there's no other word to describe it, just perfect.

oh how i wish everyday i see your face, every bit of it. but, at the same time, i am afraid that you may leave me with just a blink of an eye. yes, you said that you hate goodbyes, i hate them too. that is why you can't seem to get through me completely, because you know that one day, you'll leave me. that one day, you will say goodbye. i am aware of it too. that one day, you'll be turning your back, and enter the four walls of an everlasting promise.

i keep on asking God, "why him?", and i could feel His smile embracing me. do you know that you are one of His greatest gifts to me? you are so beautiful, so fragile, so precious. i can't seem to crush your bones, and i won't even try. i keep on asking Him too, if you're just a dream. because i cannot believe that something so wonderful like you may exist in reality. i didn't know that it was possible for something impossible like you may exist.

and now, my only prayer is for you to be happy. i thank God for letting me love you. that is my only prayer, actually, for Him to just let me love you. because that is the only thing i can ask for. i can't ask for Him to make you love me too, for you to feel the same way. because you have your choice, you may or may not give me your existence.

you asked me, "what did you like about me?" and i tell you nothing. because there is no need to answer it, for everything about you is perfect to me. your smile, your eyes, even your arrogance. i can't see anything wrong, even your imperfections are beautiful to me.

you're perfect just as you are. you're wonderful just as you are.

and... ~~i love you...~~ just as you are.

WHEW.

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 14:33:37 GMT

i love Thee, God.

thank You.

thank You very much.:)

aking hiling sa mga bituin...

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 16:10:19 GMT

na minsan pa sana'y ako'y iyong mahalin...

this song of the silent sanctuary makes my heart shatter. it makes me feel really sad. it makes me think of what could happen in the future.

so i guess, this is the time i laugh at myself for being so crazy. i can't say stupid 'cause i don't want to think that i am. i know for a fact that i am not, though i tend to act stupid at all times.

i've realized, that i am in a state of denial, wherein i know what i feel, yet i am afraid to admit that i know what i feel. yes, this is the time all of you tell me that i am childish, and foolish. that i am incapable of thinking maturely. i cannot believe i am in this part of my life that i am starting to build something without a core, without a support. because i knew from the start that this is something impossible.

i have been asking God to help me with this, because it is making me really unsure of what i know is right. this is really something bothering, it makes my head turn 360 degrees. yes, i am exaggerating, but it's really absurd, this situation of mine, it's something i cannot explain.

but i'll tell you some things of which i am certain. i know that i am very much happy with just a glimpse of "this". "this" makes me feel really happy, though i know as well, that whatever or whoever makes you happy can make you feel otherwise. but "this" makes me not think of the negative side. it makes me forget of all the sadness and the pain i had felt, and will be feeling. so, now, you reading this can make you really confused, and you might think that i am really crazy, for not really having an idea on how pitiful my situation is. though, i am talking about it, i am just really not accepting the fact that i had had an idea beforehand.

okay okay. i don't want to lose "this". i know, that me letting this happen, will bring major heartbreak and pain. but what i also know is that me, letting this happen will also bring me happiness that no one, not even me can explain. it could give me an ecstatic feeling which could actually ease all the pain it could also bring.

i don't know if i made any point here, but "this" is something that looks forward to the future more than making things possible in the present. it is something serious, though it is something i believe, not worth thinking of. because i have more things to do and think of, like my philosophical papers, which i have to submit on monday.

but, I CAN'T HELP MYSELF. i always think of "this". i just don't want to make "this" my world, because if i do, i would kill myself for being so stupid.

shit, i am crazy.

LUCKY.

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 16:11:12 GMT

"sira na lahat ng gamit natin... kulay brown na uniform mo."-MOM.

wow, i never thought this will happen to our family. i mean, i never wanted this to happen, but it did. and all of us, we weren't expecting it. it was so fast, so tragic, so sad. thinking of our house makes me vulnerable... what more for those who lost their loved ones? it must be really hell for them right now. all i can do now, is to thank God that nobody i know died. well, i hope nobody dies, 'cause there are still some people i cannot contact.:(

it's really sad, it's 2 months before christmas, and this happened. i feel so bad. i feel so weak.

saturday,
7:30 am
-i left home to go to school. i was asked to attend the treasurer's forum in the accountancy building. it was raining hard before i left, but i promised i'd go so i had to leave.
9:40 am
- i arrived UST, and it was still raining. on my way to the university, my brother was telling me to go home because classes had been suspended, and that i might get stranded.
11:30 am
-the first half of the forum ended. and they told us we have to stay inside the building. i looked outside the window, and i saw water all over UST. i was really praying for it to subside, but as time flew, it went up.

(wow, i can still remember what happened that morning)

anyway, so we were stranded in UST, i know were really lucky, 'cause we had electricity. we even watched movies and enjoyed the aircon. WOW. it just frustrated me 'cause i wasn't able to recieve messages from my family members, i was really worried. we were all out of the house. but i trusted God, i wasn't panic-ing, because i know he wouldn't let us suffer.

thank God, it was only the house that ondoy destroyed, not our family. what i am worried about are my friends. i cannot contact some of them since yesterday. i just want to hear that they're safe. i cannot look at the television, seeing those people crying over their dead, and missing loved ones makes me cry as well. it just really makes me feel so lucky that nobody got hurt.

i think, it's God's way of punishing us. for not taking care of the wonderful thing he has given all of us. we all are taking advantage of nature, and it's about time we wake up and do something about it.

i haven't seen our house yet, but my mom said it's really a mess. luckily, we have a second floor. my mom told me that our neighbors went to our house(most of their houses didn't have another floor). i had thought about God purposely made us go to other places, so that other people could use it. so all of us can be saved.:)

yes, i know, it will take a long time before we could all recover form this tragedy. but i also know that God will never ever leave us, and that there will always be a rainbow after the rain.:)

AND SO I FELL.

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 22:09:00 GMT

i am dead.

is it possible? is it possible not to feel pain when you love?

is it possible? is it possible to be happy all the time when you love?

NO.

the opposite of love is actually not ~~HATE.~~

it's ~~PAIN~~.

could it be? have i really fallen for him? if not, then why am i feeling such a pain in my heart, that i felt once when i was inlove? if not, then why am i feeling all the happiness when he is around? i can't seem to understand. if i am not inlove, then why is he always on my mind? am i crazy? am i foolish to ask?

if you then ask me, if i really have fallen, then what are the reasons that made me fall? i can give you no answers. if people will ask me, i'd tell them, I DON'T KNOW. 'cause i really don't.

i don't know.

I DON'T KNOW.

what will happen next? i don't know.

I DON'T KNOW.

everything will be okay.

right?

let God's will be done.

it sucks right?

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 03:39:31 GMT

when people leave you.

when everything seems so right until you see them again.

AND THEY DON'T CARE ANYMORE.

SUCKS RIGHT?

fuck you.

shit.

crazy love.

Sat, 19 Sep 2009 17:19:08 GMT

On this day of your life, Aiko, we believe God wants you to know ... that the way you know you have found the right one is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with the person.
-Having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. - a quote by Dinah Craik

-from my facebook.

i am sorry, i had to post this here. :)) look, i've been praying so hard lately. i am asking God to teach me to be patient, because i don't want to enter something i am not sure of. i just really want to be SURE on this. because, this is not a joke, i have to know if this really is worth fighting for. if falling inlove is something worth dying for, then i'd risk for it, but i won't give all of me. i have to set aside a little for myself. but what i do know is that, this state is something really delightful and sorrowful at the same time. it's not a joke, it's not a game. this is not a win-lose concept, it's more of a win-redeem thought. nobody loses, except those who are afraid to love. i just have to believe that love is possible, even in the most impossible cases, it makes sure everything will fall into place.

i just need a little more of Hope from God that all things will be okay...

for love WINS.

LOVE always WINS.

:) let God and let go.

why do we cry?

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 11:35:29 GMT

when people die?

why is that we always cry when our loved ones die? (DUH, I AM SO STUPID FOR ASKING SUCH A QUESTION)

lolo was laid to rest this morning, and so many people cried, including my dad. my father who is such a strong man, and seeing someone who is stronger than you makes you weaker than anybody else. it was heartbreaking, it was hard to see my dad burst like that. but i was telling myself not to cry, because this time, i was stronger than him, than any of them.

when we finally arrived in the cemetery, and my grandma won't stop sobbing, i felt heavy inside. when she looked at my grandpa for the last time, boom, i started crying. i didn't cry like a baby, i cried like a grown up person, who didn't want to speak, who didn't want others to see her weak. i was telling myself that i should have shown my lolo a little more love, i should have talked to him everyday, or atleast just kiss him everytime i arrive home. i was so sorry for myself, because i did not treasure the moments we should have had together.

i remember when i was just a kid, maybe 3 or 4. ofcourse, i wouldn't really remember much because i was still small then, but atleast i can still recall glimpse of it. i was going down the stairs of our house and lolo was waiting for me at the last step. when i was three steps before i could reach the first floor, i jumped, confident that my lolo would catch me, and i think i shouted "darna!" the next thing i know, my lolo was bleeding, and i too was crying for my wounds. but he bumbed his head on the ground because of my immaturity, that caused him bleeding. i could still remember his smile that time, i looked at him and i said, "i am sorry lolo." he just smiled. and i was innocent, so innocent i didn't know if it was sincere or not. but i know, he forgave me for that.

i love my grandpa, he is so handsome.:) and i mean, HANDSOME. he had this really fair skin, and pointed nose, that made him look like a spanish actor. he smiles so beautifully and he sings so smoothly. i will never hear that voice again, nor his beautiful smile. it will all be just a part of the past, my memories that will live in my heart forever.

lolo, i know you are happy now because You are with God.:) i love you lolo. as they say in ilocano, ayayatin ka lolo!:)

everything happens for a reason.

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 15:11:27 GMT

all things happen for a reason.

and i trust God.:)

this is the point where i am realizing how stupid i was for not believing that love is enough, that it is more than enough. i feel so stupid for actually not trusting love, 'cause that meant i didn't trust God. oh yes, i am so stupid, for not believing, for giving up on love.

you see, people always look at love not at the way they want it to be, because we are all afraid to get hurt. we do not understand that love in itself is good, that we just make it bad because of our stupid expectations and assumptions. i just wouldn't want myself to be stupid again. i am thankful that i have experienced pain and all, because without those memories, i wouldn't be the person i am today. and i've learned from those mistakes, everytime that i feel like crying for some unreasonable people, i always tell myself, "you are more than this. you are more than that." oh yes, we are all more than being and feeling stupid.

i think that we all get disappointed because of expectations. little do we know that whenever we hope, surprises come to us. expectations and assumptions lead to disappointments. i keep on telling myself to always expect the worse, because i wouldn't want to hurt myself because of thinking too much about things or wanting it to come to me.

anyway, i am kinda pissed that there are no classes on monday. i am starting to hate "NO CLASSES" announcements because it's wasting my time and my parent's money. i want to learn, i want to know things, and then there will be announcements that there will be no classes. what the heck? i mean IT'S JUST MAKING ME FEEL BAD OKAY?

i did the opposite of diet today. i ate ssooooooo much, and i hate it. but it's fine i guess, i'll just go burn it next time:))

WOW, it's been a while since i had a long entry. anyway, I AM HAPPY. i am happy because God did not give up on me giving up on him, and never will he give up on me.:) i looovee God soooo much.:) yehey.

i hope i get good grades for this sem, i just have to do better and better.:)

LET YOUR WILL BE DONE LORD. this heart is yours:)♥ iloveyouuu.:)

I AM HOPEFUL. i am not expecting, just hoping.:)

i am trying to find my way.

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 06:01:23 GMT

NO. I WON'T LET MYSELF FALL.

i have to make sure that SOMEONE will catch me. i have to be sure. i don't want to hurt myself again.

in this situation, i don't know why i think that love is NOT enough. that love cannot make me pass through it. this time, i don't believe in love fully.

i am sorry Lord. i really don't know.

the more it hurts...

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 06:19:01 GMT

the more you love.- Ricardo Gutierrez.:p

i think that all people experience pain because of love. as my superfriend always say, "Love and Pain come in package, deal with it." (pau.:j) well, that's true. i think that hate is not the opposite of love, it's actually pain. hate is more of a result of an oppressed love.:)

more often than not, it is in our nature to love. and whether we like it or not, we really feel love. in every way, there is love. and pain comes with it.

pano mo ba malalaman?

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 14:45:34 GMT

ehdi magtanong ka.

i am starting to believe that i really am falling for him. but what if it's just a sensation of wanting to be in the state of being inlove? what if i am not reall inlove with him, what if i am just pretending that i am? what if i am just expecting and assuming? what if? WHAT IF?

i am letting God do all the talking. i am letting him do all that needs to be done.

I TRUST HIM.

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 02:54:42 GMT

On this day of your life, Aiko, we believe God wants you to know...
... that you are not to shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find and keep.

The quickest way to find love is to give love. If you want it too badly, you will not find it. The most secure way to keep love is to give it space and care to grow. If you hold it too tightly, you will lose it.

:|