LOVE WINS.

ANYONG HASSEYO!♥


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you can never judge me with the things i write here...:)

enjoy! Godbless.:D
LIFE IS NOTHING BUT A BEAUTIFUL GIFT.

it is your choice if you'll treasure it or just ignore it.:)

do you have to let it linger?

you have magic in your fingertips, they fit perfectly into mine. everytime you hold my hand, i feel like flying up to the heavens. it seems like a dream, you see, this feeling, it's just perfect. there's no other word to describe it, just perfect.

oh how i wish everyday i see your face, every bit of it. but, at the same time, i am afraid that you may leave me with just a blink of an eye. yes, you said that you hate goodbyes, i hate them too. that is why you can't seem to get through me completely, because you know that one day, you'll leave me. that one day, you will say goodbye. i am aware of it too. that one day, you'll be turning your back, and enter the four walls of an everlasting promise.

i keep on asking God, "why him?", and i could feel His smile embracing me. do you know that you are one of His greatest gifts to me? you are so beautiful, so fragile, so precious. i can't seem to crush your bones, and i won't even try. i keep on asking Him too, if you're just a dream. because i cannot believe that something so wonderful like you may exist in reality. i didn't know that it was possible for something impossible like you may exist.

and now, my only prayer is for you to be happy. i thank God for letting me love you. that is my only prayer, actually, for Him to just let me love you. because that is the only thing i can ask for. i can't ask for Him to make you love me too, for you to feel the same way. because you have your choice, you may or may not give me your existence.

you asked me, "what did you like about me?" and i tell you nothing. because there is no need to answer it, for everything about you is perfect to me. your smile, your eyes, even your arrogance. i can't see anything wrong, even your imperfections are beautiful to me.

you're perfect just as you are. you're wonderful just as you are.

and... i love you... just as you are.

WHEW.

i love Thee, God.

thank You.

thank You very much.:)

na minsan pa sana'y ako'y iyong mahalin...

this song of the silent sanctuary makes my heart shatter. it makes me feel really sad. it makes me think of what could happen in the future.

so i guess, this is the time i laugh at myself for being so crazy. i can't say stupid 'cause i don't want to think that i am. i know for a fact that i am not, though i tend to act stupid at all times.

i've realized, that i am in a state of denial, wherein i know what i feel, yet i am afraid to admit that i know what i feel. yes, this is the time all of you tell me that i am childish, and foolish. that i am incapable of thinking maturely. i cannot believe i am in this part of my life that i am starting to build something without a core, without a support. because i knew from the start that this is something impossible.

i have been asking God to help me with this, because it is making me really unsure of what i know is right. this is really something bothering, it makes my head turn 360 degrees. yes, i am exaggerating, but it's really absurd, this situation of mine, it's something i cannot explain.

but i'll tell you some things of which i am certain. i know that i am very much happy with just a glimpse of "this". "this" makes me feel really happy, though i know as well, that whatever or whoever makes you happy can make you feel otherwise. but "this" makes me not think of the negative side. it makes me forget of all the sadness and the pain i had felt, and will be feeling. so, now, you reading this can make you really confused, and you might think that i am really crazy, for not really having an idea on how pitiful my situation is. though, i am talking about it, i am just really not accepting the fact that i had had an idea beforehand.

okay okay. i don't want to lose "this". i know, that me letting this happen, will bring major heartbreak and pain. but what i also know is that me, letting this happen will also bring me happiness that no one, not even me can explain. it could give me an ecstatic feeling which could actually ease all the pain it could also bring.

i don't know if i made any point here, but "this" is something that looks forward to the future more than making things possible in the present. it is something serious, though it is something i believe, not worth thinking of. because i have more things to do and think of, like my philosophical papers, which i have to submit on monday.

but, I CAN'T HELP MYSELF. i always think of "this". i just don't want to make "this" my world, because if i do, i would kill myself for being so stupid.

shit, i am crazy.

"sira na lahat ng gamit natin... kulay brown na uniform mo."-MOM.

wow, i never thought this will happen to our family. i mean, i never wanted this to happen, but it did. and all of us, we weren't expecting it. it was so fast, so tragic, so sad. thinking of our house makes me vulnerable... what more for those who lost their loved ones? it must be really hell for them right now. all i can do now, is to thank God that nobody i know died. well, i hope nobody dies, 'cause there are still some people i cannot contact.:(

it's really sad, it's 2 months before christmas, and this happened. i feel so bad. i feel so weak.

saturday,
7:30 am
-i left home to go to school. i was asked to attend the treasurer's forum in the accountancy building. it was raining hard before i left, but i promised i'd go so i had to leave.
9:40 am
- i arrived UST, and it was still raining. on my way to the university, my brother was telling me to go home because classes had been suspended, and that i might get stranded.
11:30 am
-the first half of the forum ended. and they told us we have to stay inside the building. i looked  outside the window, and i saw water all over UST. i was really praying for it to subside, but as time flew, it went up.

(wow, i can still remember what happened that morning)

anyway, so we were stranded in UST, i know were really lucky, 'cause we had electricity. we even watched movies and enjoyed the aircon. WOW. it just frustrated me 'cause i wasn't able to recieve messages from my family members, i was really worried. we were all out of the house. but i trusted God, i wasn't panic-ing, because i know he wouldn't let us suffer.

thank God, it was only the house that ondoy destroyed, not our family. what i am worried about are my friends. i cannot contact some of them since yesterday. i just want to hear that they're safe. i cannot look at the television, seeing those people crying over their dead, and missing loved ones makes me cry as well. it just really makes me feel so lucky that nobody got hurt.

i think, it's God's way of punishing us. for not taking care of the wonderful thing he has given all of us. we all are taking advantage of nature, and it's about time we wake up and do something about it.

i haven't seen our house yet, but my mom said it's really a mess. luckily, we have a second floor. my mom told me that our neighbors went to our house(most of their houses didn't have another floor). i had thought about God purposely made us go to other places, so that other people could use it. so all of us can be saved.:)

yes, i know, it will take a long time before we could all recover form this tragedy. but i also know that God will never ever leave us, and that there will always be a rainbow after the rain.:)

i am dead.

is it possible? is it possible not to feel pain when you love?

is it possible? is it possible to be happy all the time when you love?

NO.

the opposite of love is actually not HATE.

it's PAIN.


could it be? have i really fallen for him? if not, then why am i feeling such a pain in my heart, that i felt once when i was inlove? if not, then why am i feeling all the happiness when he is around? i can't seem to understand. if i am not inlove, then why is he always on my mind? am i crazy? am i foolish to ask?

if you then ask me, if i really have fallen, then what are the reasons that made me fall? i can give you no answers. if people will ask me, i'd tell them, I DON'T KNOW. 'cause i really don't.

i don't know.

I DON'T KNOW.

what will happen next? i don't know.

I DON'T KNOW.

everything will be okay.

right?

let God's will be done.
 

when people leave you.

when everything seems so right until you see them again.

AND THEY DON'T CARE ANYMORE.

SUCKS RIGHT?

fuck you.

shit.

 On this day of your life, Aiko, we believe God wants you to know ... that the way you know you have found the right one is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with the person.
-Having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. - a quote by Dinah Craik

-from my facebook.

i am sorry, i had to post this here. :)) look, i've been praying so hard lately. i am asking God to teach me to be patient, because i don't want to enter something i am not sure of. i just really want to be SURE on this. because, this is not a joke, i have to know if this really is worth fighting for. if falling inlove is something worth dying for, then i'd risk for it, but i won't give all of me. i have to set aside a little for myself. but what i do know is that, this state is something really delightful and sorrowful at the same time. it's not a joke, it's not a game. this is not a win-lose concept, it's more of a win-redeem thought. nobody loses, except those who are afraid to love. i just have to believe that love is possible, even in the most impossible cases, it makes sure everything will fall into place.

i just need a little more of Hope from God that all things will be okay...

for love WINS.

LOVE always WINS.

:) let God and let go.

when people die?

why is that we always cry when our loved ones die? (DUH, I AM SO STUPID FOR ASKING SUCH A QUESTION)

lolo was laid to rest this morning, and so many people cried, including my dad. my father who is such a strong man, and seeing someone who is stronger than you makes you weaker than anybody else. it was heartbreaking, it was hard to see my dad burst like that. but i was telling myself not to cry, because this time, i was stronger than him, than any of them.

when we finally arrived in the cemetery, and my grandma won't stop sobbing, i felt heavy inside. when she looked at my grandpa for the last time, boom, i started crying. i didn't cry like a baby, i cried like a grown up person, who didn't want to speak, who didn't want others to see her weak. i was telling myself that i should have shown my lolo a little more love, i should have talked to him everyday, or atleast just kiss him everytime i arrive home. i was so sorry for myself, because i did not treasure the moments we should have had together.

i remember when i was just a kid, maybe 3 or 4. ofcourse, i wouldn't really remember much because i was still small then, but atleast i can still recall glimpse of it. i was going down the stairs of our house and lolo was waiting for me at the last step. when i was three steps before i could reach the first floor, i jumped, confident that my lolo would catch me, and i think i shouted "darna!" the next thing i know, my lolo was bleeding, and i too was crying for my wounds. but he bumbed his head on the ground because of my immaturity, that caused him bleeding. i could still remember his smile that time, i looked at him and i said, "i am sorry lolo." he just smiled. and i was innocent, so innocent i didn't know if it was sincere or not. but i know, he forgave me for that.

i love my grandpa, he is so handsome.:) and i mean, HANDSOME. he had this really fair skin, and pointed nose, that made him look like a spanish actor. he smiles so beautifully and he sings so smoothly. i will never hear that voice again, nor his beautiful smile. it will all be just a part of the past, my memories that will live in my heart forever.

lolo, i know you are happy now because You are with God.:) i love you lolo. as they say in ilocano, ayayatin ka lolo!:)

all things happen for a reason.

and i trust God.:)

this is the point where i am realizing how stupid i was for not believing that love is enough, that it is more than enough. i feel so stupid for actually not trusting love, 'cause that meant i didn't trust God. oh yes, i am so stupid, for not believing, for giving up on love.

you see, people always look at love not at the way they want it to be, because we are all afraid to get hurt. we do not understand that love in itself is good, that we just make it bad because of our stupid expectations and assumptions. i just wouldn't want myself to be stupid again. i am thankful that i have experienced pain and all, because without those memories, i wouldn't be the person i am today. and i've learned from those mistakes, everytime that i feel like crying for some unreasonable people, i always tell myself, "you are more than this. you are more than that." oh yes, we are all more than being and feeling stupid.

i think that we all get disappointed because of expectations. little do we know that whenever we hope, surprises come to us. expectations and assumptions lead to disappointments. i keep on telling myself to always expect the worse, because i wouldn't want to hurt myself because of thinking too much about things or wanting it to come to me.

anyway, i am kinda pissed that there are no classes on monday. i am starting to hate "NO CLASSES" announcements because it's wasting my time and my parent's money. i want to learn, i want to know things, and then there will be announcements that there will be no classes. what the heck? i mean IT'S JUST MAKING ME FEEL BAD OKAY?

i did the opposite of diet today. i ate ssooooooo much, and i hate it. but it's fine i guess, i'll just go burn it next time:))

WOW, it's been a while since i had a long entry. anyway, I AM HAPPY. i am happy because God did not give up on me giving up on him, and never will he give up on me.:) i looovee God soooo much.:) yehey. 

i hope i get good grades for this sem, i just have to do better and better.:)

LET YOUR WILL BE DONE LORD. this heart is yours:)♥ iloveyouuu.:)

I AM HOPEFUL. i am not expecting, just hoping.:)

NO. I WON'T LET MYSELF FALL.

i have to make sure that SOMEONE will catch me. i have to be sure. i don't want to hurt myself again.

in this situation, i don't know why i think that love is NOT enough. that love cannot make me pass through it. this time, i don't believe in love fully.

i am sorry Lord. i really don't know.

 the more you love.- Ricardo Gutierrez.:p

i think that all people experience pain because of love. as my superfriend always say, "Love and Pain come in package, deal with it." (pau.:j) well, that's true. i think that hate is not the opposite of love, it's actually pain. hate is more of a result of an oppressed love.:)

more often than not, it is in our nature to love. and whether we like it or not, we really feel love. in every way, there is love. and pain comes with it.

ehdi magtanong ka. 

i am starting to believe that i really am falling for him. but what if it's just a sensation of wanting to be in the state of being inlove? what if i am not reall inlove with him, what if i am just pretending that i am? what if i am just expecting and assuming? what if? WHAT IF?

i am letting God do all the talking. i am letting him do all that needs to be done.

I TRUST HIM.

"sometimes you cannot believe what you see. you have to believe what you feel"- Morrie/Tuesdays with Morrie.

why is it that people change?

this is what i got in an application from facebook:

-sakto, saktong sakto.

the past few days, i've not been myself. no, not just the past few days, it should have been, for the past few months. i've literally changed. and i don't know why i don't feel so good about it. 

i can say that THIS DAY IS ONE OF THE WORST DAYS OF MY LIFE. i want to cry, so bad. AND I MEAN CRY. i want to shout so loud that i could make you deaf. I JUST WANT TO LET IT ALL OUT. and i mean, OUT. i've been pretending i am okay, i always smile, i always laugh, even though i am not happy, even though deep inside, i've been crying. i don't know what's happening to me, but maybe it's the result of trying to prove others that i am not an EMO, that i've changed, that i am not sensitive anymore, that i don't take things seriously now, that I AM DIFFERENT.

i feel so bad, and i just want to cry:( things are not happening the way they should be. or atleast the way i want them to be. i don't know how to deal with these things anymore. i don't know how to face it, i just want to run, RUN AWAY. i feel like there is no other way than to run. just that.

PLEASE Lord, please.:( let your will be done. i am letting go and letting You.:(

 learn how to die, and you'll learn how to live.- Morrie/Tuesaday's with Morrie

why are we afraid to die?

for some people, they are afraid because they want to have something they still do not have. they want to achieve something they have not yet grasped. but me? i am not reall afraid to die. it's just that i am afraid to leave the people i love when that day comes. 

isn't it funny? how other people never stop judging you for what you did wrong, not for the things you have done rightly? i mean, why is it that people would tend to only notice the negative aspect, more than the positve? or is it just because people are stupid enough, and foolish that they want to be the best, and become competitive on everything?TALK ABOUT THAT.

another realization, boys are really inconsistent.(wow, transition from one topic to another ha.:))) i'll quote from a GUY friend, "the only consisten thing about boys is our inconsistency." i think he's right on that, though ofcourse, for some other guys, they wouldn't agre on that. but hey, we're all different from another, so what the heck?

anyway, i think, i am not falling yet. or i WAS falling, but i am now in a point of confusion. wherein i find myself in a state of being troubled. i mean, i sometimes see myself being with him, HAPPY. but most of the time, i am really TROUBLED, and UNSURE.

so whatever. i don't know. whatever happens, i know everything will be okay.:)

"Maybe that's worse... not letting ourselves be loved because we're too afraid of giving ourselves to someone we might lose."- Morrie, Tuesdays with Morrie/Mitch Albom 

i've been reading books lately. isn't that good? "watch less TV and read more." someone once said that, and i can't recall who. but, i am starting to read faster and better lately. and i am loving it. i've finished "for one more day" by Mitch Albom, and i am almost half of "tuesdays with Morrie". i actually started reading Lois Lowry's "the giver" but i have to finish TWM first because i'd have to return it to a friend. ANYWAY.

i can't seem to find a perfect word to describe what i am feeling right now. i mean, it's just so hard to really express it. i can't say that i am really INLOVE or anything, but i think i dunno, i might be going there.

butterflies in the stomach, "kilig", smiling without reason, COULD IT BE THAT I AM CRAZY? hahaha.:)) just as i suspected.

anywho, i wanted to share my feelings on love but all my thoughts seemed to have moved away. why is it that everytime i blog? all the things that i want to say perishes when i sit down and start typing? WEIRD ME.

( for YOU. )

as of now, i think the best way to get out of what i am feeling is praying. i don't know, but God just spoke to me and he said, "WHEN I SAY NO TO SOMETHING, I SAY YES SOMETHING BETTER." and i think it makes sense. maybe that's the reason why i am kind of afraid to ask God for something, because he might say "no" and i might end up waiting for that "something better". isn't that bad? i am like testing God, or it's more like not trusting Him. sorry Lord.:|

just, LET YOUR WILL BE DONE.:)

a new week ahead of us. make everyday meaningful. NO DAY BUT TODAY!:)

 i want to be free again.

i want to be that girl who never cared what others would say.

i want to be me again.

i feel so lost.

and i just want to find myself.

EVEN FOR A WHILE...

i just want to be me again.






EMOOOO.

 i dont know what to do or say. i keep on telling myself that everthing will be okay. but something in me tells me that "there really is something wrong and there's nothing you can do about it." i don't know. why am i so affected? why do i feel this way? i mean, i don't have the right. there is no good reason for me to feel this way.

okay, i cannot understand why you have to do THIS. i mean, stop. 

GRR.

but, if that's what you think is right, then what can i do? need i say more? do what you want to. i'll just keep on praying for you...

i don't want to be sad, but what you're doing makes me feel so bad.

 never ever play with the heart of a girl.

i got my message for the day from facebook, and this came out: